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Boundaries are about love.
This idea has radically shifted my perspective on boundaries. For years I walked around in a relatively boundariless state, leaking energy for fear of creating disconnection or upsetting others.
It never worked.
My lack of boundaries inevitably lead to resentment, which lead to an outcome far worse than simply setting boundaries in the first place.
So how do you set boundaries in a way that is empowering, connecting, and life-affirming? How do you set boundaries in a way that is net generative rather than destructive?
The loving approach to boundaries is radical. So much of the current dialogue around boundaries asserts them from a defensive or offensive posture. They are meant to manage, alter, or wrong the other, instead of asserting a clear line for yourself.
Boundaries from love enable your capacity to be with the other and yourself from love. They require no one to be wrong. Energy moves up and down, marking a clear line in the sand, instead of forward or backwards in an attack on self or other.
Here’s a recipe for setting excellent boundaries:
Excellent boundaries are about what you’ll do. Excellent boundaries don’t try to change the other person. Instead, they give the other person information about what you’ll do. “If you do X, I’ll do Y.” If you raise your voice with me, I’ll leave. If you use that word with me, I’ll exit the conversation. If you do that with my kids, I won’t have you watch them again. If you miss a deadline, I’ll pull you from the project.
Excellent boundaries create clear expectations. This is a key feature of boundaries. They create crystal clear clarity on what to expect from you in different situations.
Excellent boundaries don’t shame the other person. If you do the above two well, the other person won’t feel shamed. They’ll feel informed. Your boundary is information about you. It helps the other person interface with you more effectively.
Excellent boundaries enhance the capacity for you to be the way you want with that which you’re setting a boundary with. I know I’ve hit the sweet spot with a boundary when, after setting it, the thing I wanted to empower is empowered. By setting a boundary with another person in conflict, I’m better able to love them and see their perspective. By setting a boundary with work, I’m better able to show up in a creative and energized state and to be more present with my friends and family. By setting a boundary with a colleague or employee, I’m better able to collaborate with them. If you’re looking for the right boundary to set, identify what you most want in a situation and explore what boundary would most empower that.
Excellent boundaries are executed. Beyond setting them, the most difficult thing about boundaries is executing them. It’s doing what you said you’ll do if your boundary is crossed. This is liable to bring up a host of feelings in you: grief, fear of upsetting the other, maybe even joy or anger. All of those are welcome as part of the experience, and your willingness to feel them makes the difference between a boundary that is executed or walked over.
If you’ve lived in a boundariless state for some time, it can be helpful to let people know that you’re experimenting with setting more boundaries. And don’t worry about setting them perfectly—a well-meaning apology from a messily set boundary can go a long way.
Happy boundary setting!
-Justin
🔊 New Podcast: No Clear Answers + Boundaries
If you want to dive deeper into Boundaries, checkout this week’s episode of No Clear Answers. We discussed boundaries, and explored things like:
How to set boundaries in power differentials
The relationship between anger and boundaries
The difference between porous, rigid, and healthy boundaries
You can watch on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube.
Chapters:
0:00 Cold open - Rate the show!
1:30 Show intro
2:28 Introducing today’s topic: Boundaries
3:36 How do we define boundaries?
5:37 Why are boundaries important and what do good boundaries achieve?
16:24 How are we bad at boundaries?
29:23 Who benefits when you do or don’t set boundaries?
34:38 Boundaries with and without shame
36:50 How do you set boundaries when there are power differentials?
46:21 What is the link between boundaries and anger and how does that inform how we set them?
56:25 How can you set boundaries in a way that makes things better?
1:18:30 Final thoughts on boundaries
1:24:55 Wrapup
I hope you enjoy it!
If you enjoy reading the Leadership Lab, consider clicking the ❤️ or 🔄 button above so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏. It would mean the world to me.
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